How to talk with your Teen about Cancer

Talking With Your Teen About Cancer

When you have cancer, you may wonder how to talk with your teen about it. You will want to take a balanced approach. Teenagers want more independence, but they still look to you for guidance. As their parent, you will want to talk with them in an open and honest way about your cancer, treatments, financial issues, and how the illness will affect you physically and emotionally. Most of all, your teenager needs to feel that he or she is an important part of the process of helping you cope with your cancer. You can also follow these guidelines if the person with cancer is a family member.

How should I talk with my teen about my cancer?

  • Prepare to talk with your teen by writing down key points in a notebook. You can refer to these as you talk with your teen.
  • Be open but as gentle as possible.
  • Ask your teen if he or she understands. Encourage your teen to ask questions at any time. Answer questions truthfully.
  • Be positive but realistic.
  • Let your teen know about changes in routine, but try to keep her or his life as consistent as possible.
  • Ask for help, but do not let your teen take on too much. Suggest ways that your teen can be helpful, such as helping you organize insurance information or looking for information online about treatments.
  • Make sure your teen knows that you are still the same person and you have his or her best interest at heart.
  • Let your teen know that your cancer and treatments may affect your mood and energy level. Make sure your teen knows that these changes have nothing to do with him or her.

How much information should I share about my cancer and treatment?

  • Share most of the facts about your condition and treatment. Hiding the truth may lead to mistrust.
  • Let your teen know the type of cancer you have, how it might be treated, the prognosis, and what that might mean for the family.
  • Explain the treatment that you will be receiving, how effective it is, how long the treatment will take, and how it will affect you physically and emotionally.
  • Use what your health care provider has told you as a guide for what to tell your teenager.
  • Use accurate and specific words to describe your case.
  • You may want to share a little at a time in more than one conversation. This will give your teen time to process the information.

What should I tell my teen about my prognosis?

A prognosis is the outlook or chance of recovery from the type of cancer you have. Whatever your prognosis is, when you are talking with your teen:

  • Be honest, but do not feel that you must tell everything at once.
  • Let your teen ask questions about your prognosis. Answer any questions as gently, honestly, and optimistically as you can.
  • Support your teen’s efforts in doing Internet searches and gathering information from social media. Provide resources that you know are accurate. Ask your teen what he or she has learned. This will allow you to correct any myths or to clarify information.
  • If you know that your cancer is terminal, tell your teen as gently as you can. Spending time together to make memories and being able to say goodbye are important. Let your teen know who will take care of her or him, and that your teen will still be loved. You may want to talk with a social worker, child life specialist, or others for help and support.

How should I expect my teen to react to my cancer diagnosis?

Your teen may:

  • Try to hide his or her feelings.
  • Try to change the subject.
  • Feel angry, guilty, or confused.
  • Act out or get into more trouble than usual.
  • Be overly concerned and anxious.
  • Blame you for your cancer, especially if smoking, substance abuse, or an unwillingness to see a health care provider about early symptoms may have been a factor.
  • Withdraw from social activities.

What behaviors might indicate that my teen is not coping well?

Any severe changes in mood or behavior can be a sign that your teen needs extra help. Watch for these changes:

  • Any major changes in mood or behavior.
  • Losing interest in school and studies.
  • Mood changes, such as anxiety, anger, or sadness.
  • Using drugs or alcohol.
  • Withdrawing from friends and family.
  • Eating more or less than usual.
  • Crying often.
  • Sleeping more or less than usual.

If your teen shows any of these signs, think about talking with her or his health care provider or school counselor. The social worker or counseling staff at the hospital where you are being treated might be able to help or might know of other resources.

If your child admits to thinking of suicide or of hurting himself or herself, get help right away.

How can I help my teen cope with my cancer diagnosis?

  • Ask questions to keep communication open, such as “How do you feel when I am gone for treatment and cannot do the things I used to do?”
  • Keep questions specific, instead of just asking, “How are you?”
  • Make sure your teen knows it is fine to express fears, emotions, and concerns. Also let him or her know that it is okay to have fun and be happy.
  • Encourage your teen to express his or her feelings through journaling or having special time set aside with you.
  • Remember to laugh and show affection, even if your teen seems a little embarrassed.
  • Do your best to support your teen’s daily needs and commitments with school, sports, and friends.
  • Include your teen in ways that he or she can be involved and helpful:
    • Let your teen know that you will need some help while you are in treatment or not feeling well. New responsibilities can help prevent feelings of guilt or helplessness.
    • Involve your teen in your treatment by asking for his or her help with computer searches.
    • Ask if your teen has ideas about how she or he can help. Be supportive of your teen’s ideas.
  • Make time to create special memories together with outings or activities as a family.
  • Give your teen the space and time to process information and feelings, especially if she or he will have more to do or to take care of because of your illness.

Where to find support

  • After talking with your teen, share information about your diagnosis with other people who interact with your teen, such as teachers or coaches. This will help you build a support system for your teen outside the home.
  • Consider reaching out to other trusted adults or finding a support group for your teen.
  • Ask your cancer care team for advice or resources to help you talk with your teen about cancer. See if there is a social worker, child life specialist, or counselor that you can talk with about your concerns.

Seek Additional Information

For more information about cancer or how to talk with your teen about it, turn to:

Summary

  • To maintain trust, it is important to be honest when talking with your teen about your cancer, but be as gentle as possible.
  • Keep communication open by asking specific questions about how your teen feels or what he or she needs to know.
  • Watch for signs of distress in your teen, such as severe mood changes and losing interest in school.
  • Give your teen space and time to deal with feelings and any new duties or changes in his or her routines.
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