How to Help Your Child deal With Anger

Just like adults, all children get angry from time to time. Tantrums are especially common among toddlers and other young children who are still learning to manage their emotions.

Tantrums often happen because children are frustrated that they cannot fully communicate. Anger is also often expressed when a child has other strong feelings, such as fear, but cannot express those feelings. An angry child may scream, shout, be defiant, or refuse to cooperate. He or she may act out physically by biting, hitting, or kicking.

All of these can be typical responses in children. Sometimes, however, these behaviors signal that your child may have a problem with managing anger.

How do I know if my child has a problem dealing with anger?

Children who often have uncontrollable emotional outbursts or have trouble controlling their anger may have a more serious problem dealing with anger. Signs that your child has a problem coping with anger include:

• Continuing to have tantrums or angry outbursts after the age of 7–8.
• Angry behavior that could be harmful or dangerous to others.
• Aggressive or angry behavior that is causing problems at school.
• Anger that affects friendships or prevents socializing with other kids.
• Tantrums or defiant behavior that cause conflict at home.
• Self-harming behaviors.

What actions can I take to help my child cope with anger?

The first step to help your child cope with anger is to try to figure out why your child is angry. When you understand what triggers your child’s outbursts, you can use strategies to manage or prevent them. It is important that your child understands that it is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to react negatively to that anger. You can take additional actions to help your child cope with anger. For example:

• Keep your home environment calm, supportive, and respectful.
• Reinforce new ways of dealing with anger.
• Practice with your child how to deal with problems or troubling situations. Do this when your child is not upset.
• Help your child:
  • To talk through his or her emotions.
  • To understand appropriate ways to express emotions.
• Set clear consequences for unacceptable behavior and follow through on those rules.
• Model appropriate behavior. To do this:
  • Stay calm and acknowledging your child’s feelings when he or she is having an angry outburst.
  • Express your own anger in healthy ways.
• Remove your child from upsetting situations.

To help older children calm down, you can suggest that they:

• Take deep breaths or count to 10.
• Slow down and really listen to what other people are saying.
• Listen to music.
• Go for a walk or a run.
• Play a physical sport.
• Think about what is bothering them and brainstorm solutions.
• Avoid people or situations that trigger anger or aggression.

When should I seek additional help?

Your child may need professional help if he or she:

• Constantly feels angry or worried.
• Has trouble sleeping or eating.
• Overeats (binges).
• Has lost interest in fun or enjoyable activities.
• Avoids social interaction.
• Has very little energy.
• Engages in destructive behavior, such as hurting others, hurting animals, or damaging property.
• Hurts himself or herself.

Continual aggressive or angry behavior that interferes with school, sleep, and daily activities may be a sign that your child has an underlying developmental or mental health condition. Behaviors to watch for include:

• Impulsive behavior or trouble controlling one’s actions. This may be a symptom of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).
• Repetitive behaviors and trouble with communication and social interaction. These may be symptoms of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
• Severe anxiety and lashing out as a way to try to hide distress. This may be a symptom of a mood disorder.
• A pattern of anger-guided disobedience toward authority figures. This may be a symptom of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
• Severe, recurrent temper outbursts that are clearly out of proportion in intensity or duration to the situation. This may be a symptom of disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD).
• Frustration when learning or doing schoolwork. This may be a symptom of a learning disorder or learning disability.
• Being easily overwhelmed in situations with stimulation, such as noise. This may be a symptom of sensory processing issues.

It is also important to seek help if you do not feel like you can control your child or if you do not feel safe with your child.

Where can I get support?

To get support, talk with your child’s health care provider. He or she can help with:

• Determining if your child has an underlying medical condition.
• Finding a psychologist or another mental health professional who:
  • Can work with your child.
  • Can determine if your child has an underlying developmental or mental health condition.

In addition, your local hospital or behavioral counselors in your area may offer anger management programs or support programs that can help .

Where can I find more information?

• The American Academy of Pediatrics: www.healthychildren.com
• The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, part of the National Institutes of Health: www.nimh.nih.gov
• The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment